My ode to platonic love

April has always been a tough month for me. And it probably always will be.

It is the month that my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack when I was a freshman in college. He died the same way that his mother died but he was 51 and she was 42. I will talk about his legacy another day, but 18 years of being in his presence has shaped my entire life and work. and I will always be his daughter, his first-born, and his little girl.

This post is about platonic love though—in the form of a friend that I know God sent me because He knew that I would need her on my most difficult days.

This is post is about Tonya. Because of her and what she did to help me when my father died, I am here today. I wasn’t even on campus that day in April of 1992 that my life changed, but I felt Tonya beside me. The weeks that followed my father's death are actually a blur, likely from the shock of it all. How could a person that had been there for me forever be gone in a literal blink of an eye? 

💔 It was too much for my 18 year-old brain to process. 

💔 Too much for me to consider how I would keep living. 

💔 Too much for me to succeed as a first generation college student. 

But there was Tonya.

You know when people say that if you want something done, you need to ask a busy person? Well, Tonya is the personification of that statement. I really don’t know exactly what she did while balancing the demands of her accounting major and finals, but I know that all of my belongings were packed and stored. Every professor was contacted. Every grade was deferred and she still managed to send me sympathy and friendships cards I still have and cherish. Fun fact, her handwriting hasn't changed in 33 years.

Because of Tonya, I was compelled to come back to Penn State to finish what my dad was there to see me begin. So she and I finished together after 4.5 years—joining our beloved sorority at the same time, having countless hours of late night bonding, and learning to embrace the differences between us that helped us ultimately become the better people we are today.

Fast forward a few decades later and her son—my godson—was born on my birthday in 2001. 

💗 That birthday is September 11. 

💗 I was there when her son’s life began and she was there when my father’s life ended.

This is so redemptive and incredibly full circle. 

In the years since, marriage, parenting, careers, and distance have made it impossible to spend the time together that we always want to. But that never stops our ability to be there for each other and it never will. 

When I was considering filing for divorce, Tonya was one of the first people I turned to. She had just finalized hers and so she had tactical as well as emotional and spiritual advice (she’s super smart).

But the best part is that she knew me. She knew my heart, she knew my pain, and she helped me see a way out of it.

This is the power of platonic love. 

💚 It doesn’t judge.

💚 It knows who you are.

💚 It loves who you are.

And it always shows up for you. 

It’s why Hillary and I are so passionate about creating a community of platonic love not just for navigating divorce, but for navigating life and its inevitable joys and adversities. 

We are dedicated to creating the conditions for platonic love because then there will always be a chance it will come into your life.

Tonya and I just happened to be in the lobby of our residence hall at the same time one random day in August at the beginning of our freshman year. She really wasn’t in the mood to talk (she was very South Philly skeptical of me), but I persisted anyway in my most midwestern peppy way. 💁🏽‍♀️

But I’m so glad I did because that conversation led to her becoming my forever roommate (we plan to retire to a compound somewhere glorious one day) and so much more.

If there is one thing you take away from this post, I hope it is to embrace every opportunity you have to connect with someone— especially in your most vulnerable moments. It will change your life. 

🌷April will never be the same for me for many reasons, and Tonya is one of them. I’m changed for the better because she’s my friend.

It’s all—even the most difficult moments—been for good.