One of the trickiest aspects of divorce (after the initial decision is made) is deciding how to share the information with family members, friends, and others.
Finding a balance between what we are feeling and how we want to express those feelings requires planning and intention—whether you decide to use a funny Facebook post, send invitations to a divorce party, or have a heartfelt conversation with colleagues and friends.
Bottom line, we hope this guidance helps you get started figuring out what’s right for you. And it’s important to note that you may be announcing your divorce for longer than you think at unexpected times and places (e.g., at your high school reunion 3 years after your divorce is final).
Quick tips for sharing
- Consider varying your message by audience: Make a list of people you want to tell, when to tell, and how much detail you want to share
- Script your message(s) to manage the emotions involved
- Communicate your boundaries: Provide as little or as much detail as you want, consider sharing how that person (if at all) can best support you, be clear about if it is ok for them to share this information or not
- Consider how what you say might impact your legal situation and future, especially on social media
- Think about how what is shared may impact someone else
- Consider telling your spouse that you’re filing for divorce (or make sure they’re served) before announcing it to other people
- If you’re concerned about being harmed, create a safety plan
Scripted phrases
Before you develop a script of what you will say, decide what tone you want your announcement to have and what topics you'd like to cover (and not cover) when sharing the news.
Examples of tone include: solemn or measured, happy or optimistic, sterile or restrained, funny or sarcastic, transparent or raw
Potential topics to cover include: Your wellbeing, circumstances surrounding the separation, impact on family, logistical questions, dating plans
Scripted phrases about the reason(s) for the divorce:
“We grew apart over time.”
“Our values were no longer aligned.”
“I want my children to know the happiest version of me, and that person was unable to show up while I was married.”
“I decided to choose my peace and save myself from suffering.”
“We decided we should no longer be married/are better as friends.”
Scripted phrases about how you are coping:
“I’m shocked and devastated.”
“I’m doing well and I’m proud of myself.”
“I’m having a hard time adjusting to being single after so long.”
“I’m so much happier now.”
“I am really optimistic about the future and what it holds.”
“I feel like I’ve lost the life I planned.”
“I’m taking it one day at a time and I am not ready to talk about it.”
Scripted phrases about your dating plans:
“I am focused on taking care of myself and my needs first.”
“I value having a community of platonic friends right now more than a romantic partner.”
“I’d rather swiffer the Pacific Ocean than date anyone.”
“I am eager to meet someone new because I miss having a partner.”
“I plan on asking Ariana Grande or Idris Elba out next week.”
Scripted phrases about the life impact of divorce:
“The kids are learning to navigate our family’s new structure.”
“My family is supportive but they are angry about the divorce which causes me stress.”
“We are working out the logistical details of the divorce privately.”
“I’m moving to the south of France to live alone on a yacht.”
“I could use your help with finding a mediator, a job, [or fill in the blank with something else].”
Sharing the news with family members
Parents, siblings, and friends who are your family can be a source of support during divorce when there is a healthy family dynamic. This means that all feel loved, included, and supported and that communication and conflict resolution are mostly done together, sincerely, and without excessive tension, anger, or upset.
What does family support during divorce look like?
- Providing emotional and/or financial support
- Providing a place to live during a period of transition
- Assisting with caregiving responsibilities
- Protecting you from the prying eyes and ears of others in your family’s circle or community
What is some information you can provide to help them support you?
- Awareness of your boundaries about certain topics or for being given unsolicited advice
- Awareness of your (or a child’s) specific needs (e.g., space, independence, etc.)
- Scripted phrases to respond to questions, rumors, or judgment from others
Scripted phrases family members can use:
“I’m glad I can be there for them through this challenging time.”
“They will have my support as long as they need or want it.”
“If you are genuinely concerned, I’d suggest sending a card, text, or calling them.”
“There’s no shame in divorce.”
“The children are surrounded by so much love.”
“What I think about it doesn’t matter because I’m proud to have such a strong [son, daughter, brother, etc.].”
Posting about your divorce on social media
Divorce professionals generally advise against posting anything publicly related to your divorce and/or custody proceedings while you are actively going through the process to avoid legal complications. Once things are finalized, choosing to post about it is a personal choice that should be carefully considered and thoughtfully composed.
Things to consider when posting include the fact that it's public even if your account is private (remember, people can still share screenshots) and the potential impact on relationships with others (not just your ex).
If you still want to proceed with sharing the information publicly, there are several approaches you can take:
Keep it simple:
- This means sharing the news, but keeping the tone relatively neutral
- Example: "After a long and challenging journey, I'd like to share that my divorce is officially finalized. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the support of my loved ones through this experience. Looking forward to the next chapter."
Focus on the positive:
- Remain optimistic and forward-focused
- Avoid sharing information that appears to be "dwelling in the past"
- Example: "The next chapter of my life officially begins today. My divorce has been finalized, and while this chapter is closing, I'm excited for this new beginning."
Inject some humor:
- It's okay to have a lighthearted tone (if that's your style)
- Be mindful of not confusing bitterness for humor (it can be a fine line sometimes)
- Example: "Well, I guess it's official. My divorce is final, and I now have more time for self-care and Netflix marathons. Thanks for all the support, and here’s to new beginnings!"
Remember, there is no obligation to post anything on social media (see our previous post for tips on sharing the news with others).
If you do decide to post something, our advice is to remain authentic to yourself, but also mindful of the repercussions of posting on a public forum.
How did you announce your divorce to loved ones? What information wish you would have had to make it easier? Leave us a comment with your thoughts.