When we’re hit with the overwhelming grief of missing our ex, it’s easy to slip into a spiral of self-pity, what-ifs, and endless ruminating thoughts.
Instead of letting yourself get stuck there, try asking these three grounding questions:
Often, it isn’t them we miss—it’s the comfort and security of having a person by our side.
If you catch yourself glossing over the hard parts, make a list of the difficult moments you experienced. Refer back to it when you’re tempted to romanticize the past.
The third question requires some deeper reflection. If you’re not sure how to answer this, try offering yourself the suggestions below. And, remember: missing your ex doesn’t mean you truly want them back. More often, it means you’re missing feelings you can absolutely learn to create within yourself.
1. Offer yourself gentle honesty and permission to feel
Remind yourself: “It’s okay to miss what was. Missing doesn’t mean I want it back.” Giving yourself permission to feel what comes up helps you process it instead of pushing it away. Also, let yourself cry if you need to. Healing isn't linear and grief is complicated.
2. Create a self-soothing ritual
When you're feeling really down, have a gameplan for taking care of yourself. Make a cup of tea (or your favorite drink), cuddle into a soft blanket, take a walk, journal, or listen to music that matches your mood. A ritual of activities to engage your senses can sometime help you move through the feelings more easily.
3. Give yourself love and affection
If you’re craving is closeness, hug and snuggle with your pet, wrap yourself in a weighted blanket, and change into your softest clothes. Physical comfort can really help calm your nervous system.
4. Reach for connection
Missing your ex is often a longing for connection. Call or text a friend, spend time with your kids or family, or join an online community (like the Sincerely, Divorced private Facebook group) where people understand what you’re going through.
5. Redirect your energy
Channel the emotions into a grounding activity that you enjoy. For me, that's organzing a closet or a room. Other ideas include: cooking, cleaning, exercising, playing music, reading, or knitting. Giving your mind and body something else to focus on can literally break a cycle of rumination.
6. Give yourself the chance to dream
Write down one thing you’re excited for in the future—something your life now allows you to experience that you couldn’t before. Remind yourself that what you’re missing isn’t necessarily them, but the feelings of safety, love, or comfort. And those are things you can learn to create for yourself.
The next time you feel yourself missing your ex, try asking: What am I really longing for right now? Usually, the answer is something you can give yourself in the present moment. Love. Comfort. Connection. Safety. Belonging. These aren’t things only another person can provide—they are gifts you can give yourself. 🖤