Looking back on when I got married, I realize that love meant something very different then—yet, in some ways, it was still rooted in the same desires I hold now.
At the time, I was more focused on following a script: when I should get married, what my partner should look like on paper, and when all of these milestones were “supposed” to happen. It was as much about love as it was about not being left behind.
Of course, there were things I genuinely wanted and valued: mutual trust, stability, and a shared vision for the future. But in hindsight, I see that I overlooked some of the deeper, more essential foundations of a healthy partnership—ones that I now know I need.
Today, love isn’t about checking boxes or fitting into a timeline. It’s about choosing someone who adds value to my life, who meets me with the same level of love, respect, admiration, and care that I offer them. I want a partner who is not just my lover, but my friend first—someone who challenges me and lifts me up, who calls me out and also calms me down. Someone who helps me shine instead of dimming the parts of me they don’t understand or like. Someone who holds my vulnerability as gently as they hold their own—and, knowing what those vulnerabilities are, thinks carefully before acting.
This definition of love is evolving in real time, shaped by the people I meet and the ones I allow into my life. I’ve come to realize that the qualities I was missing in my marriage are non-negotiable in any future relationship:
- Friendship: Can we laugh and have fun together?
- Stability: Do their actions match their words? Are they consistent and reliable?
- Thoughtfulness: Do they show care and kindness not just to me, but to others?
- Open-mindedness: Can we have different viewpoints and still feel safe? Are they willing to see beyond their own perspective?
- Adventurousness: Are they curious, open to growth, and eager to travel and explore life together?
- Vulnerability: Can we have deep, honest conversations? Can I trust them with the softest parts of me, and will they trust me with theirs?
These are the non-negotiable cornerstones I’m building from now—the ones I had to discover through lack rather than abundance. There is no script and there are no check-boxes. Instead, I am working from a list of standards that I realize now can't be additions that we add later on. They require a foundational presence.
I had to get it wrong in my marriage, but I remain hopeful that one day I'll get it right. 🖤