Many of us have spent time reflecting on what went wrong in our marriages. But have you ever considered conducting a full autopsy of the relationship? That’s exactly what Bethany and I did recently while guest lecturing in a family studies course.
Laying out the facts objectively was incredibly eye-opening. It’s a powerful exercise — not only for making sense of the past, but also for identifying red flags in future relationships and gaining clarity about what you truly want in a partner.
With some help from ChatGPT, here are some journaling prompts you can ask yourself if you're interested in conducting your own marriage autopsy.
Origin: "Why did we get married?" 💍
- What initially attracted me to this person? What did I like (and dislike) about them?
- What were my hopes, expectations, or dreams for the marriage?
- Did I feel pressure (internal or external) to marry at that time?
- What values or life goals did we think we shared?
Values: "How did our values align/misalign?" 🫀
- What are some of my core values today?
- What were my core values when I got married? Did I even know what that meant?
- Which of these values did my partner genuinely share — and which were assumed or ignored?
- Where were we misaligned from the beginning?
Success factors: "How did our marriage stack up against the markers of a healthy relationship?" 📈
A significant amount of research has been conducted to identify common predictors of strong marriages and relationships. Reflect on some of the factors below and assess how they did or did not show up in your marriage.
- Emotional intimacy & safety – Did I feel seen, heard, and respected? Did I feel comfortable sharing my feelings?
- Communication – Did we listen to each other? Were we open-minded to the other person's perspective without becoming defensive?
- Conflict resolution – How did we handle disagreements? Did we make an effort to work towards sustainable solutions?
- Shared core values & goals – Were our future desires and plans in alignment? How were they similar and how did they differ?
- Friendship – Were we affectionate with each other? Did we have shared hobbies? Did we have fun together?
Missed signals: "Where do I look back now and see the red flags?" 🚩
- What warning signs or gut feelings did I overlook or misinterpret?
- Did I compromise on any of my values or needs to make the marriage work?
- When and how did the breakdowns in communication occur?
- In what ways did we start growing apart?
My role: "What part(s) did I play that strengthened and weakened the health of the marriage? "🪞
- In what ways did I contribute to the dysfunction or disconnection?
- What things did I repress and/or ignore? What was the impact of that repression?
- What have I learned about my patterns, values, boundaries, and needs?
- In what ways could I be a better partner in the future?
The future: "What did I learn about being and choosing a partner?" 🔮
- What are non-negotiable values and traits that I refuse to settle for in a future partner and relationship?
- Describe how a healthy relationship should feel to you.
- What steps am I taking to self-reflect and self-improve?
- How will I know that I am emotionally ready to enter into a new relationship?
Did you complete any of these journaling exerises? What did you learn about yourself? Leave a comment below if this resonates with you. 🖤